More Than The Watchman

            As the fall is coming quickly to an end, and I mean quickly....the days are getting shorter and shorter. With the cold comes the desire to hibernate ;). It had become harder and harder to get up in the morning and I would grab my iphone to wake me up in bed. I could hear the Lord (but tried to convince myself that it wasn't the Lord) say, "I want to be first". My time with Him was getting shorter and shorter and I was suffering for it. The heaviness that I have been feeling since John's parting only got more difficult. Then one of the elders shared how the Lord was disciplining him since the first thing he did in the morning was put on his computer. The Lord was saying the same thing, "I want to be first." . I was completely convicted, went home and resigned out of every game and got up an hour earlier. I wish I could tell you that the Lord made it easy but that is not the case. When I rise, my body shouts, "NO, GO BACK TO BED!". It is even still dark outside. But I have been fighting through because of my deep need, and the thirst the Lord has put in me for His voice. He makes me wait till the end to speak many times. I hear, "will you not wait with me one hour?", "Are you hungry enough to stay still?" After a few weeks I began to hear Him again more clearly and He has been confirming it as well. Here is an example.....
       In the last two years I have heard this verse quoted to me so many times I've lost count. "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." While I had a moment of pause during the day, I felt the Lord open it up to me. He told me that the tears are not the seed for sowing. It was for those who are going through difficult hard places and  find themselves broken and weeping, to not stop sowing the good seed. There are many who stop all sowing, they discontinue fellowship, worship, study of the Word.They stop listening to the Lord and obeying what He directs. They do not minister or encourage anyone. They are in pain and it has taken over their lives. We will always have pain and trial in this life....this is not our home. But there is one thing we can do, we can continue to speak God's Word and encourage each other to seek Him and wait on Him. From this comes life, eternal life and it brings forth a harvest. After He spoke this to me, I woke up the next morning and He directed me to one of my devotional books (which I never read in the morning, only in the evening). There are 365 devotions in it and thousands of scriptures to write, but there in print was the verse,"they that sow in tears shall reap in joy" and the same explanation almost word for word that he spoke to me! I HEAR You Lord! Yes Lord, I will continue to sow. I continue daily to rise early and wait on Him, desiring so deeply to hear Him and let Him fill me. I cannot survive without Him. We must press in! We need the Holy Spirit just as much as the early church did. He is our teacher, guide, and the power behind this kingdom life. Here is the verse and its next in full...

              "Those that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes to and fro weeping, bearing a bag of seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with shouts of joy bringing his sheaves with him."                    Psalm 126:5,6

      There is reward in the seeking. There are sooooo many distractions, we have to fight them off. But once we are in, we will be refreshed, empowered and our hearts will be filled once again full of seed for sowing into the lives of others. I cannot give what I don't have.......   So the time alone with Him is vital. I am getting up now expectant of what the Lord will speak, hungering and watching .......

          "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I do hope. My soul waits for the
 Lord more than the watchman who waits for the morning, yes more than those who wait for the morning."                                Psalm 130:5,6
     
                  He is there waiting for you.........................      
           

Not Alone

         I know it has been awhile since I wrote.......I always said I would write more when it settled down. Well now it has. My daughter is married and it was a glorious day full of the blessing of the Lord. The weather report looked bleak and with an outside ceremony I heard many saying, what is plan B? Well I prayed and had peace, and though the day before was rainy all day, on the 9th of September the sun came out. As my daughter and her new husband had communion together a tape played with my husband singing "Oh the Blood". There were many tears but as I watched I thought of the legacy my dear John left me. Here I was a wild and crazy girl of 18, very much in love with Jesus with no interest in dating. There was John so steady and peaceful but also very much in love with Jesus. So naturally did our friendship happen and as we spent many hours in prayer and worship together our love grew for one another. I never dreamed I would be the wife of such a wonderful man. I never dreamed I would be the mother of 3, and the grandmother of 5! And knowing I was always loved, so loved by him.The pain of separation remains always and it increases when a person thinks they are helping me by suggesting I date again. I don't even see myself as single, I don't feel free in that sense. I have always belonged to Jesus, and now I am His even more. All our lives have purpose and are a journey to Him, not a group of random events. We shouldn't be looking for the easiest path, the one that will feed our earthly nature. Our journey is a heavenly one, and every choice presented to us should be submitted to the One who bought us and redeemed us to Himself. John & I prayed and sought the Lord's will. It was His will we marry and serve together. Our relationship was always founded on our love for Jesus Christ, and as we worshiped & prayed together daily we were drawn ever closer. I still hear him and feel him and dream about him. The best way I can describe it is to share what my grandson said one day. I was pointing to a picture of John and telling him that he was in heaven with Jesus. Later I told him Jesus was in his heart and he jumped and pointed to my heart and said, "Pepere". I stopped and thought, "Yes", I said,"Pepere and Jesus live in my heart". What a gift I have been given!  As I gazed at my daughter and new son-in-law , my son, his wife and their 4 children, my other son and his son, I felt the wedding band I gave my husband 32 years ago around my neck and thought what a life I have been given. It is not time to look for "another" but in gratefulness live out what time I have left declaring the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I seek the Lord daily for His will to be done in my life more than anything. He comes in His manifest Presence and I am not alone.......Jesus & John will always live with me.