Grain of Wheat

     When I am having a difficult time, like this past week, I have to continue to remind myself of God's purposes for this life. Otherwise I would remain overwhelmed by the circumstances I face. I get together with friends and share what the Lord has spoken to me, really to hear myself say it and get it deeper in my heart. The day John died was a day I, of course, will not forget. After we left the hospital I went straight to my son Jon's house because I could not emotionally go home. (That was where John died) My body was wracked with pain, I was exhausted with shock and grief and could not sleep. So thus began my first 24 hours without John or rest. Some of you may know but for those who don't.....I was extremely ill as a young woman and have worked hard to stay healthy but still have to pace myself. I never thought I would outlive John. I was the one on medicine for the rest of my life, having had diseases which led to surgeries and hospital stays. Now I was facing my life without him and the shock was overwhelmingly exhausting to my body.
          I finally collapsed from the fatigue, sleeping on my son's couch with my daughter sleeping nearby. My son Jon stayed watch over me. I kept waking with a start and Jon would immediately come forward and see if I needed anything. Each time I did wake though, I could hear clearly the voice of the Holy Spirit as if the Lord was sitting and bending over me. I kept hearing the same word each time I woke and each night for the next few weeks.
         "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies it abides alone. But if it dies it brings forth much fruit." John 12:24
      
         I would barely be up when I heard this over and over. God's word is powerful....I have made it my study since I was a young girl. I have memorized many scriptures because it gives me hope and revives my spirit and most of all because I believe it. It is truth........
        So each time I heard it, I would cling to it's truth. Would I dare to believe that fruit would come from John's departure? Would I believe that death brings forth life? The Word says so.....so I believe.
       So many lives were touched by my husband's, and since his passing I have heard so many testimonies that have attested to the truth of God's Word. One of John & my constant prayer requests was for fruit. We wanted to be fruitful for the kingdom. In the world today so many want to be "successful" by the world's standards, rich, famous, accomplished and recognized. John never sought these things, in fact he always shunned attention. He constantly laid his life down for me, the kids, family and the church. For six hours I sat and greeted folks at the wake who said over and over, "I've never met anyone like him". I got to see some give their lives to Christ because of his testimony and others come back to the Lord because his parting was a wake up call for them.
        I am still in much pain but I cling to the truth of God's Word that as fire purifies gold, testing builds our faith, trials bring forth character, the cross brings a crown, and death brings forth life. If I keep myself planted in Jesus Christ then I will see all these things and more......
        This is the scripture I put on my husband's stone.....may you experience all the Lord has for you....

"Most assuredly,I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, 

it remains alone; but if it dies it produces much fruit.

He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. 

If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor."      John 12:24-26

The Kiss of God

        It has been a hard winter for me.....I know it wasn't longer in time but it certainly felt veeerrry long. I've never cried over snow before....I always told people, "If you live in New England expect snow....otherwise you will have to move south." I can say when spring comes and I hear the birds singing, I want to be outdoors in the sun and fresh air. I've had to make some hard decisions during this cold time and if it wasn't for the Lord going through it with me, I would of despaired. I still cry most days, I hold my husbands picture and touch the image, hoping to feel his face. It is a lonely time, after being married for 30 years and being best friends for 34. We met in 1976 and became fast friends.....we loved many of the same things, music and singing, the outdoors and most of all the Lord. We loved to worship Him together and it was the most intimate thing we could share. In a world which holds physical love as the key to happiness this may sound very odd. Yet our Lord Jesus, the King of kings and the Lord of lords wants an intimate relationship with us. After our engagement, John told me we were a triangle with God, as we drew closer to Him we would automatically draw closer to each other. He was right! So without John here, I feel the void.
             This morning during fellowship we were encouraged to truly worship, to let go of our burdens, and lift our hands to the One who loves us. When I worship I close my eyes, and I focus on the Lord Jesus. I sing with my whole heart and I do not hold back. As I did this morning I saw a throne and He who sat on it rose up and lifted me up and kissed my cheek and forehead. I held my breath and received His love. Oh how He loves us!! It is His love alone that keeps me going.....whether He shows me in worship or through my church family or kids....I am in awe and will always remain in awe......   Is it because I earned it? Never! It is because He IS love.....If you are hurting, He sees, He hears, He knows............you will never know any love as intimate as His.....let Him kiss you today....................

Luxurious Love

         I went over some friends house last night and as we were fellowshipping I shared something that I haven't shared with all of you yet. It stirred in me again this morning during worship, and I responded with the usual tears flowing down. Sometimes I know others are thinking that I am crying over my loss or my burdens without John, but this time as many other times in my life I was weeping because of the Lord's love for me. Yesterday at the end of my time alone with God I knelt before Him and lifted all my burdens to Him and felt His comfort and strength. His concern and care are the one thing that keep me going, without it I would be overcome with grief. So for now let me convey my story....
        Some of you know that this past October I went on a cruise. My husband bought it for our 30th anniversary. This was not a little gift, especially since my husband hated cruises and got seasick easily. He did it just for me and he got our good friends who celebrated their 30th to join us in the venture. Well since my husband went home last July, I had to decide if I would go or cancel. I knew if I cancelled, our friends would probably do the same. My husband worked hard to plan the whole event so I decided to go and bring my good friend Joann as my partner. While on the ship I was so overcome with grief that the chapel became my place of privacy and weeping often. I did not want my friends to feel sorry and take away their fun and enjoyment so this became a frequent place to hide. My husband picked this week because both our birthdays fell in it so this became very hard to take as well. We met a young Philipino girl who worked on the ship and became very friendly with her. Everyday we would stop to visit with her when we went to the buffet on the top deck and her smile and sweetness was comforting. Apparently Joann had shared with her my story and she was moved. On Thursday which was my birthday we did not go to the buffet, my friends took me to the fanciest restaurant on board and went all out to lift my spirits with a wonderful gourmet meal with presents and cake. The next evening which was our last night on board, we went to the buffet as usual and there was our young friend looking very anxious to see us. I went to sit down at a table and all of a sudden she was  standing over me with a rose, and she began to speak........"Miss Celeste, I want you to know that I looked for you yesterday, I wanted to give you this for your birthday. I feel you, I really feel you. (She was crying at this point..) I don't have much to give but I will give you what I can....."  Then right there in the Cafe in front of a crowd of people she began to sing the song of the Lord, yes she sang...... about His plan for me, how He created me and was pleased with me and most of all about His great love for me.....I began to weep, my friends were all weeping, then she embraced me like Jesus would embrace me. I will never forget that moment. In this luxurious floating hotel that had every comfort a man could want I could not find solace for my aching heart. I had spent the whole week in so much pain I did not care about these luxuries. But right in the midst of all this, I found nothing more luxurious as my God's love for me. It was as though Jesus and I were the only ones in the room. How overwhelmingly beautiful and lifting this was to my spirit. I will always remember that He did this for me, yes for me! As I relay this to you, I am in awe again and want you to know that there is nothing in this life as rich as God's love for you........even in the midst of your greatest pain you will find it pouring out......I have..........My Lord's luxurious, unending love.........
                                             I love You my Lord Jesus Christ!