One Year

         Tonight I've been crying.....Saturday nights were spent with my husband. As I have been getting the house ready to sell it has been more evident to me that he is not here anymore. As I go through all the house, memories are everywhere and he is everywhere...so I meditated on the Word and felt led to write because it heals my broken heart.
         I was led to one of my husbands favorite verses.....

    "Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a spring; The rain also covers it with pools (blessings). They go from strength to strength..."         Psalm 84:5-7


         John spoke often of how our life here was a pilgrimage......only passing through.... how we were created for God and the world was not our home, that we should not be "comfortable" with it. I did not understand as he did. It was obvious to everyone around him that he kept himself for the Lord and wanted to do His will always. I saw it even more these last years......I always thought I would go first, especially since I told the Lord often that I would not survive without John........apparently the Lord was not "listening" and not in agreement.....
         It has been one year since John has gone home and I have survived......not without much grace and the Lord's constant care for me.....I have gone on because my heart is set on pilgrimage......I know this is not my home....my heart is elsewhere.... and as I have passed through the valley of weeping I have found pools of blessings that I did not recognize before.....the blessing of His deep comforting Presence, of His abounding provision, and His voice so clear to me.....He is ever speaking....(we just need to stop and listen).....
Since I grieve often.....I seek to be alone often.....there I find His strength. You see I need His Presence to keep going on........ since I see my great lack apart from Him. The hole in my heart can only be healed and filled by Him.........
        So on this anniversary as I am pained by the memories of the year before I also look back and marvel...  ..... I have survived......and will go on..........thank You Lord Jesus....

Treasure

       This past weekend I had a moving sale, (a yard sale with lots of furniture).... I had been preparing for weeks, going through cupboards, drawers, closets and basement.......so much......stuff! We have been in this home for 20 years and I was married almost 31 years ago so it is incredible to me how we let ourselves gather and keep so much. Quite a bit got thrown out and I still have a mountain of junk in my backyard and basement to have picked up. I was so overwhelmed, but determined to "lighten" my load. The night before the sale the weather said, rain, rain and more rain. I went to my room dropped on my bed and prayed for the Lord's favor. The day arrived and it looked cloudy but before I knew it, the clouds parted and it was sunny all day without a drop of rain. I sold quite a bit too. I had antiques, bookcases galore, tables, chairs, etc.....    At one time this "stuff" had a value to me  but now it was worthless. My friends would price things and I would sell it for less. I just wanted to see it all gone. People came and I sold for almost nothing what had once been important to me. I was told over and over that I was underselling but I just didn't care. I am selling my 4 bedroom house with finished basement to live in a 2 bedroom apartment so most of it has to go. After the sale I gave the rest to a ministry for refugees. It felt so good to not bring anything back into the house.
        I write all this to make a point......what is treasure?.......what is your treasure? To me, relationship holds the key. My relationship with the Lord is my most treasured possession. Matthew 13:44,45  Without Him I have nothing and am nothing. He gives me life, love, peace, joy and purpose. I want to simplify my life so I can give myself to relationship with Him and those around me. Since losing my husband, I see the brevity of life here and I see how John laid his life down for me, the children and the church without a thought for himself. How great a teacher he was to me. He showed me how to love and how to live. And now he is experiencing by God's grace the abounding treasure in heaven where moth and rust cannot decay. No yard sales there.....no need for one.....
       "And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a beautiful bride prepared for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, 'Look the home of God is now among His people! He will live with them, and they will be His people. God Himself will be with them'." 
                                          Revelation 21:2,3
       Nothing mentioned here about worldly possessions, only God possessing us and we Him. To end I will share a vivid dream I had. In the dream I was dying and I knew it but I was not afraid. So I closed my eyes and felt myself floating upwards with great speed. I came to a very bright place, almost blinding. Then I saw a fire ball as bright as the sun rush at me. When upon me I realized it was a person for they grabbed me, lifted me up and swung me around and hugged me tight. I awoke in the dream to those around me and declared that it was John. The next morning I was at the Sunday meeting and silently asked the Lord if it was true when all of a sudden my eyes fell immediately on this verse...
      "And the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father" Matthew 13:43
    I was stunned and in awe and reverence at His great mercy to me. Oh what treasure we have!! The love of our great Father, His Son and His Holy Spirit......and this treasure lives in us!! Oh, how much richer we are then the wealthiest men on earth!.....
                                   Let go of the "stuff" and hold onto your God.......

Knowing...

         This past weekend the church I am in fellowship with planned a block party. The building is in the inner city and so much goes into planning. Food, activities, music, presentations etc......  Well the promised sunshine did not come and it rained the whole time. I was to do the face-painting (my favorite thing to do...) but as you know, that did not happen. It was not only rainy but very cold. So Sunday a weary group of believers came together to worship and hear the Word of the Lord. As they asked different ones to come up and share testimonies, one spoke very clearly to my heart. He shared that of course there was disappointment about the weather yet the Lord may have wanted us to learn something. Because of the storm there were rough moments with an occasional impatient reaction or a job that may have been easy becoming a chore and hard jobs becoming unbearable. We were cold and wet and trying to remain positive. The scripture he read was....
                 "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.."   James 1:2,3
         The bible I carry was my husbands and he had underlined the word, knowing. It jumped out at me....how important is the "knowing" in a trial. What keeps us going when things don't work out as planned or desired. I can say that the "knowing" is what has kept me going. Knowing the Lord loves me, knowing that He has plans beyond what I can see, knowing that He desires to make me like Christ, knowing He will never leave me or forsake me, knowing that there is so much more to life than the moment, knowing.........
         What will make us endure is not a trouble free life but one that is grounded in faith, in knowing our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ intimately and thus being at peace in the midst of the storms. My husband was wise to underline that word.....I can say that he understood its importance. Very little really riled my husband to a frazzle, he remained constant and sure of His Lord's love even in the hardest trials we faced. And now I feel the same assurance.........even as I face my widowhood, I know my Redeemer lives and that He lives to bring me to Himself through all circumstances and trials. Knowing brings patience and patience brings perfection, a Christlike nature and I believe that is His first objective...
       I am rest in His arms knowing.......................
     

Play On

      While I sit here alone I have been feeling the loneliness.....but I also have been meditating and praying about some things I need to make decisions about. I pray about everything. I cannot think about my life apart from what the Lord's will is for me. I have been promised that if I seek Him I will find Him. (Deut. 4:29) Also if I trust in Him and lean not on my understanding, and in ALL my ways acknowledge Him He will direct my paths. (Prov. 3:5,6) So I believe this to be true and seek Him daily for my life. I am tempted by my grief to sit alone and just do nothing but sit.....I sit in my rocker and rock and rock....but...... there is inside me a song rising.....one that I heard the day I gave my life to the Lord. It has never left....it might have gotten quieted by hardship and trial but it is always there. I hear it in the night, I hear it when I am in prayer, I hear it in the silence of aloneness. It is I believe part of a symphony and I am one instrument among many. I do not want the pain to silence my song, and I don't think it will. I see the Lord like a conductor holding His baton, tapping it on the music stand and  lifting it up as all the instruments gather their attention to Him. He is ready for us to play as one.....this is our time to rise up and make the music of the Kingdom of God.
          This world is playing another song, one that is not melodious, it is chaotic and full of fear and it is driving men mad. You see the confusion, and the disharmony bringing no peace, no hope. Yet in the midst of all this darkness, I still hear the song. It is the song of the redeemed.....singing to the Lamb of God.
          No matter where I find myself I know I am not of this world. I am an ambassador of another kingdom. I am here to play His song, and be His instrument. And by His Spirit I get tuned and ready to respond to the conductor of my life. I found a card recently that was from my sister Ann Hebert who went home to be with the Lord a year before John. I think the Lord let me find it, and within it was a message to me and I believe it is for you as well......

        " There are things only you can do, and you are alive to do them. In the great orchestra we call life,

     you have an instrument and a song, and you owe it to God to play them both sublimely.

                                                                                                     

   Within the card it said only two words,   ...........PLAY ON............love, Ann

As I read the card, the words rang as a command for me to not sit alone and let life pass me by but to rise again take up my instrument and song and not to let anything stop me.  I have a song......His name is

                     JESUS.                 

The Valley of Achor

     It has been awhile since I have written....a lot has happened since then. I have given my notice to my current employer and have a new one waiting. I have prayed for this and the Lord has answered. Thank you Lord!
     But during this wait and still now I am having a difficult time....
      I shed a lot of tears, and the ache of my heart can be felt physically at times...I am getting my house ready to sell, I have lived here almost 20 years. My husband & I and the kids made many memories here. And of course before that as well. So as I start going through things I have to stop because of the emotions that overwhelm me.
        I have difficulty with some of the teaching that goes forth from the church here in America. So much about trouble free living with no pain or suffering.......do this or that and you will always get this......all about promises of no difficulties....
      Well I would like to share one promise I know......"In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."(John 16:33) We stress the overcome part but forget to take in the whole statement....."in this world you will have tribulation...."  When I read my bible I see many brothers and sisters that have gone ahead of us, suffering.....Paul listed quite a few in 2 Corinthians 11, he was whipped, stoned, shipwrecked, in many perils, weariness, toil, sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, cold and nakedness. All this coming from the Apostle of faith. I have not experienced near all of these troubles....but I know some suffering and it is when I read about his suffering or our other brethren going through tribulation that I find comfort. You are thinking maybe, "How do you find comfort in that?" It is because I know I am not alone in it. That you can be a follower of Christ, know hardship and still be in His hands. There is a purpose of God that goes beyond this world, one we cannot see except a glimpse......to be made in the image of Jesus Christ. One of my constant prayers is, "Lord let me know you, be like you, for it is You I worship." Well it is hard to really know someone without intimacy, without deep fellowship.
   "That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings...."(Phil. 3:10) The other day as I wept, I ached for John. I know where he is and I would not want to take him from there but the pain of my separation from him is beyond words at times. I could say to the Lord that I understood why He cried on the cross, "Father why hast thou forsaken me"....because of the pain of separation from the One He was was in such union with. John & I were one, we enjoyed each others companionship and loved each other deeply, so the pain of separation is felt profoundly. I feel the Lord's heart more, His desire to be one with us, to share such communion and intimacy.
       So...................I do not find comfort in "victory" messages of promises of pain free lives. I have found the greatest comfort in the Lord's Presence while in the valley of Achor (trouble). Here is a portion of scripture that the Lord has made my own....
      "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak to her heart there, and the valley Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up from the land of Egypt. "And it shall be, in that day," says the Lord, that you will call Me, My Husband, and no longer call Me My Master"  (Hosea 2:14-16)
       I have found great comfort in these words.....they speak volumes to me. My Lord knows me and He is leading me through this valley......He is speaking to my heart in ways I would not grasp if I was not here. If you are suffering, let Him lead you, and conform you to His image. In that place you will experience His Presence like never before, in death comes life.....His life..... before we know it, we will be with Him and then there will be no more pain or tears......................thank you Jesus....

Grain of Wheat

     When I am having a difficult time, like this past week, I have to continue to remind myself of God's purposes for this life. Otherwise I would remain overwhelmed by the circumstances I face. I get together with friends and share what the Lord has spoken to me, really to hear myself say it and get it deeper in my heart. The day John died was a day I, of course, will not forget. After we left the hospital I went straight to my son Jon's house because I could not emotionally go home. (That was where John died) My body was wracked with pain, I was exhausted with shock and grief and could not sleep. So thus began my first 24 hours without John or rest. Some of you may know but for those who don't.....I was extremely ill as a young woman and have worked hard to stay healthy but still have to pace myself. I never thought I would outlive John. I was the one on medicine for the rest of my life, having had diseases which led to surgeries and hospital stays. Now I was facing my life without him and the shock was overwhelmingly exhausting to my body.
          I finally collapsed from the fatigue, sleeping on my son's couch with my daughter sleeping nearby. My son Jon stayed watch over me. I kept waking with a start and Jon would immediately come forward and see if I needed anything. Each time I did wake though, I could hear clearly the voice of the Holy Spirit as if the Lord was sitting and bending over me. I kept hearing the same word each time I woke and each night for the next few weeks.
         "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies it abides alone. But if it dies it brings forth much fruit." John 12:24
      
         I would barely be up when I heard this over and over. God's word is powerful....I have made it my study since I was a young girl. I have memorized many scriptures because it gives me hope and revives my spirit and most of all because I believe it. It is truth........
        So each time I heard it, I would cling to it's truth. Would I dare to believe that fruit would come from John's departure? Would I believe that death brings forth life? The Word says so.....so I believe.
       So many lives were touched by my husband's, and since his passing I have heard so many testimonies that have attested to the truth of God's Word. One of John & my constant prayer requests was for fruit. We wanted to be fruitful for the kingdom. In the world today so many want to be "successful" by the world's standards, rich, famous, accomplished and recognized. John never sought these things, in fact he always shunned attention. He constantly laid his life down for me, the kids, family and the church. For six hours I sat and greeted folks at the wake who said over and over, "I've never met anyone like him". I got to see some give their lives to Christ because of his testimony and others come back to the Lord because his parting was a wake up call for them.
        I am still in much pain but I cling to the truth of God's Word that as fire purifies gold, testing builds our faith, trials bring forth character, the cross brings a crown, and death brings forth life. If I keep myself planted in Jesus Christ then I will see all these things and more......
        This is the scripture I put on my husband's stone.....may you experience all the Lord has for you....

"Most assuredly,I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, 

it remains alone; but if it dies it produces much fruit.

He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. 

If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor."      John 12:24-26

The Kiss of God

        It has been a hard winter for me.....I know it wasn't longer in time but it certainly felt veeerrry long. I've never cried over snow before....I always told people, "If you live in New England expect snow....otherwise you will have to move south." I can say when spring comes and I hear the birds singing, I want to be outdoors in the sun and fresh air. I've had to make some hard decisions during this cold time and if it wasn't for the Lord going through it with me, I would of despaired. I still cry most days, I hold my husbands picture and touch the image, hoping to feel his face. It is a lonely time, after being married for 30 years and being best friends for 34. We met in 1976 and became fast friends.....we loved many of the same things, music and singing, the outdoors and most of all the Lord. We loved to worship Him together and it was the most intimate thing we could share. In a world which holds physical love as the key to happiness this may sound very odd. Yet our Lord Jesus, the King of kings and the Lord of lords wants an intimate relationship with us. After our engagement, John told me we were a triangle with God, as we drew closer to Him we would automatically draw closer to each other. He was right! So without John here, I feel the void.
             This morning during fellowship we were encouraged to truly worship, to let go of our burdens, and lift our hands to the One who loves us. When I worship I close my eyes, and I focus on the Lord Jesus. I sing with my whole heart and I do not hold back. As I did this morning I saw a throne and He who sat on it rose up and lifted me up and kissed my cheek and forehead. I held my breath and received His love. Oh how He loves us!! It is His love alone that keeps me going.....whether He shows me in worship or through my church family or kids....I am in awe and will always remain in awe......   Is it because I earned it? Never! It is because He IS love.....If you are hurting, He sees, He hears, He knows............you will never know any love as intimate as His.....let Him kiss you today....................