Silent Night

       With this busy and noisy season around us I have been struggling to find true peace and true joy. Though a song may be about this, I don't think it is understood. When I have to go in a store, I want to bolt when I hear the silly songs played over and over. I told a friend recently that I wanted to hear a softly sung "Silent Night", with all the verses but had not heard it at all. Last Saturday I went to Strawberry Bank in Portsmouth for the Christmas stroll. It was a very cold evening.......they light candles everywhere and you go from building to building to experience how it was like 200 years ago in New England. I love history so this was definitely up my alley. There were carolers outside, I stopped to listen.....they began to sing "Silent Night" softly without music or noise.....I closed my eyes and took in the moment....it was like time stood still....I want to share with you the words because so few pay attention...

                                                                     Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

Holy Infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah

Christ, the Savior is born

Christ, the Savior is born

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming grace

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

       You and I can sleep in heavenly peace because He came.....He became one of us, he bridged the gap to bring us to God. We were lost and condemned to death, He left His throne above and was born lowly and simply. He died in our place and rose again to give us hope.....

       I really dislike all the noise, I long for silence so I can hear His voice above all else. I believe the enemy is filling every moment with noise and distractions so we won't hear. At night I get still, I sit alone in quiet waiting, longing.......I am at His beck and call, whatever His desires are, they are mine, for I belong to Him. There is so much confusion and despair and anger in this world that is so upsetting. My spirit gets weary, and like sheep I look for pasture to rest in, still waters to refresh my soul. While you rush about, don't forget to get quiet and still and hear what the Spirit is saying to you.......You will find Him when you seek Him with all your heart. This is a promise in His Word. His love for me is the only truth that keeps me going.....when I hear Him say my name, it is like the sun breaking out after a storm. He is truly Love's Pure Light......     

       If we sit in His Presence then we will be light in this dark time.....we will reflect His beauty and cause the Son of God to be born again in the hearts of men........that is what I think when I sing.....

                      Jesus, Lord, at thy birth.........may He be born anew in you.......Alleluia.

                           

Spirit and Life

        I have been through much this past month, with the sale of my house complete. Though you haven't heard from me the writing goes on in my heart always because the Lord is always speaking to me in everyday life. If we listen He takes common events and speaks truths to us. He is very simple and profound. His Word does pierce my soul to separate the flesh and Spirit. In Matthew 4:4 it says, "Man cannot live by bread alone but by every "word" that precedes from the mouth of God." In the Greek there are two words used for "Word", one is logos, which is the written word, and the other is rhema, which is the spoken word. In this verse the one used is Rhema. I have been a student of the written Word since I was a child. When I became born again as a teen, the bible came to life. As I daily read it certain verses would jump off the page like a bright light in a dark place. As I continued to seek the Lord in this new life, I began to hear His voice. It is like no other, it is as the Lord said, ......"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words I speak to you are Spirit and they are Life" John 6:63.
        His Word is life and it is the only thing that keeps me going on. When you have been stripped, when all you depended on has left or been taken away.......where do you go?
        To read the bible as a book, to take it in with only human intelligence will bring knowledge but not life. To allow the Holy Spirit to be teacher and guide, to speak the Words to us, will cause us to take flight as an eagle to the wind, in whatever storm that comes.
        In little over a year my life has totally changed since my loving husband of 30 years went to be with my Lord. I got a new job, we had our sweet 15 year old pet put down and finally my house of 20 years sold with most of our belongings. I look around and it is like living someone else's life. Without the stability of His unchanging Word, life would seem meaningless. Everyday I need the Rhema to go on. As I read, I seek the Lord by His Holy Spirit to breath life in me, to empower me, to change me, to bring me to where He has for me. John had underlined this verse in his bible...
  "I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgement is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me."
   Since my life is not my own, what I have or have not is not the issue, but what I hear and do. A friend shared with me this week what her husband heard the Holy Spirit speak it to him. "We are stripped only to be clothed".  What are you clothed with, or in this case with "whom". Does your life consist of what you own or what you are in Him. If you lose any of it, how will you respond? Do you seek to see what only the Holy Spirit can show? Do you want His will and purpose above all else? I do not ask these questions as one who is perfect. I have struggled and shed many tears in anguish but in the midst of it all I have been showed such mercy and grace to go on.  May we hear what the Spirit is saying....feed upon it, and be strengthened by it daily so we can do the will of the Father who loves us and bring Glory to His Name. So be it Lord.....

The Great Comforter

         Hello my friends, I haven't written for awhile because I do not have internet at the moment. I am in the midst of getting my home empty for the final sale of it at the end of this month. Going through so many things stirs up so many memories. I have found cards and letters I wrote to my husband (John saved them all) and the letters and cards he wrote me. The other day I found one signed, "your madly in love husband". I held it to my chest and cried. I have been crying a lot when I am alone lately. When someone the other day suggested another man to me, I was shocked and dismayed. I went home, fell to my knees weeping before the Lord. The pain of being alone is felt keen and deep but at no time do I think about anyone but John. He was not just a man I lived with for 30 years........ he was my best friend, my mentor, my inspiration, my #1 cheerleader, my worship and prayer partner, the father of my children, my only earthly love. As I wept I told the Lord how hard it has been to grieve lately around others. When I get weepy and mention John, they change the subject or say some blanket statement that is supposed to snap me out of my grief. I asked Him why I was feeling even more depressed lately and if there was something wrong with the way I feel. I asked for mercy and understanding .....for separation is a painful experience.....He knows......
         This morning during our Sunday worship the Holy Spirit was ministering to us. As people were led they left their seats and laid hands on others, so I just sat down to pray. When I looked up my new boss (I started in a new position in May) called me out of my seat. He began to tell me that he recognized my grief, that it was OK to cry and show my pain to my fellow workers. That he was adding to my job description to go into his office everyday and tell him something about John. As he and his wife held me I lost it, I began to weep in such relief, in such gratefulness. What a gift this job has been.......The Lord heard my cry and he showed me the mercy and understanding I was asking for.......
            I have to speak about John. He was the most godly man I've ever known. His gentleness and humbleness were such an inspiration to me. I was privileged to be his wife and I know that the time spent together has left its permanent mark on me. I hope when things settle down, I will take out my husbands writings and share them with you. He wrote all the time..........if he didn't have a notebook in front of him he wrote on whatever he could find. I open a book or find an old envelope and there is his notes.....he still speaks to me.....
            The Lord saw me in secret, heard the cry of my heart and answered it.....He is the Great Comforter......

Prayer

       As I sit in my sun room this morning, it is anything but sunny outside. While this storm blows around me I have been spending quality time with the Lord. Sometimes being "stuck" at home with very little happening is a good thing. It causes us to quiet ourselves and maybe if we let it, bring us to desire a deeper experience of  the Lord's Presence. I believe the Lord allows the "storms" of this life to come to us for a reason. It was Israel's constant weakness to forget the Lord in the "good" times. That is why He would allow them to suffer in some way so they would repent and seek Him again. It was the Lord's mercy that did this, not His condemnation. It is the Lord's mercy that allows us now to face storms.

       "Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You. When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."     Psalm 61:1,2


        I use my husband's bible now and he wrote next to this verse, "David's need drove him to seek God".
How true I have found this statement to be. In my deepest pain, He has caused me to seek Him like never before. I have kept the constant discipline of spending time alone with the Lord, but in my times of greatest distress I have been pressed to go much deeper. Oh, if I could take you to this place!..... but you must go there yourself.....
        One of the greatest lacks in the body today is the desire to pray. It is the symptom of a greater lack......faith. We don't believe the Lord is listening, or that He will act. We believe in physical action above spiritual action. How many times I have rushed ahead of the Lord to "do" only to fall on my face and realize I made a mess of things. This society is used to a "high-speed", quick response lifestyle, "no lines, no waiting", no time. We have filled our schedules, until we are running about saying quick prayers as we go....(somewhat like a drive through...). Yet with all this activity, we are missing so much. When the Lord was in the garden of Gethsemene He challenged His disciples, "What? Could you not watch with Me one hour?" Matthew 26:40,  What? One whole hour? Really Lord?.......
         Here in the Lord Jesus' darkest hour, He sought His Father........if our Lord did, shouldn't we? He prayed for us! And He was heard and answered.....
         Do we believe in this dark hour that our Lord hears us when we pray? I can say with all my heart a resounding, YES! In the midst of my valley of grief, I have cried out to the Lord....and He has heard me.Why? Because I am special? No! Because I believe He hears me and will answer. Because I wait on Him, and believe the Word that says, "Ask and you shall receive, Seek and you shall find, Knock and it will be opened to you" Matthew 7:7 
         I am in a place that the Lord has put me, a very needy place. Without Him, I cannot survive. I was a very happy wife of a very loving husband. He took care of me, and served me for 30 years. He was my constant companion, my prayer & worship partner and my teacher. Now I am a widow, facing a lot of challenges and missing my husband beyond words has caused me to seek the face of God. When I thought I would drown for grief, He has reached down and pulled me up. One evening as I lay upon my bed crying for hours, I felt the darkness and depression of the late night enter my soul. It is during these hours that the enemy wants me to dwell on my husband's last breath of life here in our bedroom. In the midst of this, I begged God to deliver me. I was not strong enough to fight this alone, I needed prayer. All of a sudden the phone rang, (remember it was very late) and there on the line was a brother who felt the Lord tell him that I was in distress. All I could do was weep, He began to pray and worship, and pray and worship. This went on for quite a while. He did not pray a "quick fix" prayer and hang up. He battled for me as his family joined him. He prayed for ministering angels to come to me and aid me, after a time I could feel them lifting my arms and holding me up. A peace and comfort came over me, and I slept in the arms of the Lord that night. Thank you Lord for those that listen and obey. Prayer is important, it is not a religious past-time. It is a real work, and it accomplishes so much.  John felt that call to prayer more than any other work he did. He fasted often and prayed daily for the Lord to move in His church. I believe he was heard, I believe he did his greatest work in the closet of prayer. He believed that you needed to bathe everything in it.
                           " .....In everything by prayer..."Phil.4:6
       I believe the fruit of his ministry here was a direct result of his unseen ministry of prayer for you & I. I want to continue that......I want to bathe everything in prayer. I want to hear above all the noise of this life the voice of the bridegroom calling me to His chambers.....I want to believe that He hears and will answer ..........will you join me? can you give Him at least an hour? He will not disappoint you my friend.....He will meet you there....and you will be divinely ruined. Nothing in this life will satisfy you, as His Presence does. The way you look at life will be changed, your spiritual eyes will be opened and you will want to pray. You will desire to come and spend time alone with Him.
         "My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my
 rock and my salvation." Psalm 61:5,6
                           Do you hear Him? He is calling you right now.....

I Belong

           At Sunday morning meeting I had a wonderful experience. When my husband & I stepped back from full-time ministry we began fellowshipping with a small group of believers. If we went to a meeting at the building we sat out back and laid low but over these few years we built up some relationships. When John went home to be with the Lord, the world as I knew it totally changed. I was in such shock and pain that I needed someone with me all the time. My family and friends were there to keep me going but also the church. It has been an emotionally difficult year but I can write that the Lord has shown me such overwhelming compassion. Whenever I am overcome with grief by facing my everyday duties without my husband, the Lord sends relief. Each time I fall apart something divine comes my way...... a phone call, a prayer, physical help, financial help, encouragement. I have had so many answers to prayer I have lost count.
           In the heart of every human is the desire to belong, to be loved and cherished. The Lord put that in us when He created us in His image. After an army of believers had been at my home recently (they were inside and out fixing it to sell) I sat alone in my sunroom to pray and there Jesus met me and dropped this desire in my heart, to come before this local body of Christ and ask to be a committed member. I didn't sign a roster, take membership classes or pay dues, I just wanted to belong. I have received so much that I need to give back. I am healing, I am growing, and I long to be a living vital part of the Body of Christ like never before. This is not about me, it is about Jesus. This body of believers have shown me Jesus in a viable way. It is not about a building, meetings, money or crowds.....but relationships that give. I have seen so many lay down their lives for me, how can I sit back and just watch.....Oh Lord, help me to show forth Jesus to them. As I stepped forward the elders laid hands on me and prayed, then the whole body came forth and prayed. After this, a sister got a tub of water and washed my feet as another sister went to the piano and led us in the song "I Belong". At this point many were weeping.There is a oneness that can only happen when we are broken and humble before God.  Knowing that I am cherished and I am loved by the Lord frees me to love back. Our lives are not our own, we have been bought with a price, with the blood of Jesus Christ. It is not the time to hide, except in Him for then, and only then, we will want to lay down our lives for Him. The teacher that morning didn't know about what I was going to do and delightfully the message was about 2 widows, the one who was able to divinely provide for Elijah (I Kings 17:8), and the other with the jars of oil (II Kings 4). Both were in a difficult place but both were used by God. This verse stood out to me and was made alive by the Holy Spirit...
                ".......See I have commanded a widow there to provide for you." I Kings 17:9

        It does not matter what our circumstances are, where we have come from or what we have or don't have.......God can use us.....the living God! Despite the desperate position these two women found themselves in they obeyed the Lord and miracles happened.
        As I sat having my feet washed I could hear that verse and I was stirred. By the Lord's grace I will be a vital, living, giving part of His body. I pray to hear, to believe and to obey.....what greater blessing can we experience......no greater joy, no greater pleasure........
             Where does the confidence come from? Why do I have this joy and desire?
                                                Because I Belong.........

One Year

         Tonight I've been crying.....Saturday nights were spent with my husband. As I have been getting the house ready to sell it has been more evident to me that he is not here anymore. As I go through all the house, memories are everywhere and he is everywhere...so I meditated on the Word and felt led to write because it heals my broken heart.
         I was led to one of my husbands favorite verses.....

    "Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a spring; The rain also covers it with pools (blessings). They go from strength to strength..."         Psalm 84:5-7


         John spoke often of how our life here was a pilgrimage......only passing through.... how we were created for God and the world was not our home, that we should not be "comfortable" with it. I did not understand as he did. It was obvious to everyone around him that he kept himself for the Lord and wanted to do His will always. I saw it even more these last years......I always thought I would go first, especially since I told the Lord often that I would not survive without John........apparently the Lord was not "listening" and not in agreement.....
         It has been one year since John has gone home and I have survived......not without much grace and the Lord's constant care for me.....I have gone on because my heart is set on pilgrimage......I know this is not my home....my heart is elsewhere.... and as I have passed through the valley of weeping I have found pools of blessings that I did not recognize before.....the blessing of His deep comforting Presence, of His abounding provision, and His voice so clear to me.....He is ever speaking....(we just need to stop and listen).....
Since I grieve often.....I seek to be alone often.....there I find His strength. You see I need His Presence to keep going on........ since I see my great lack apart from Him. The hole in my heart can only be healed and filled by Him.........
        So on this anniversary as I am pained by the memories of the year before I also look back and marvel...  ..... I have survived......and will go on..........thank You Lord Jesus....

Treasure

       This past weekend I had a moving sale, (a yard sale with lots of furniture).... I had been preparing for weeks, going through cupboards, drawers, closets and basement.......so much......stuff! We have been in this home for 20 years and I was married almost 31 years ago so it is incredible to me how we let ourselves gather and keep so much. Quite a bit got thrown out and I still have a mountain of junk in my backyard and basement to have picked up. I was so overwhelmed, but determined to "lighten" my load. The night before the sale the weather said, rain, rain and more rain. I went to my room dropped on my bed and prayed for the Lord's favor. The day arrived and it looked cloudy but before I knew it, the clouds parted and it was sunny all day without a drop of rain. I sold quite a bit too. I had antiques, bookcases galore, tables, chairs, etc.....    At one time this "stuff" had a value to me  but now it was worthless. My friends would price things and I would sell it for less. I just wanted to see it all gone. People came and I sold for almost nothing what had once been important to me. I was told over and over that I was underselling but I just didn't care. I am selling my 4 bedroom house with finished basement to live in a 2 bedroom apartment so most of it has to go. After the sale I gave the rest to a ministry for refugees. It felt so good to not bring anything back into the house.
        I write all this to make a point......what is treasure?.......what is your treasure? To me, relationship holds the key. My relationship with the Lord is my most treasured possession. Matthew 13:44,45  Without Him I have nothing and am nothing. He gives me life, love, peace, joy and purpose. I want to simplify my life so I can give myself to relationship with Him and those around me. Since losing my husband, I see the brevity of life here and I see how John laid his life down for me, the children and the church without a thought for himself. How great a teacher he was to me. He showed me how to love and how to live. And now he is experiencing by God's grace the abounding treasure in heaven where moth and rust cannot decay. No yard sales there.....no need for one.....
       "And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a beautiful bride prepared for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, 'Look the home of God is now among His people! He will live with them, and they will be His people. God Himself will be with them'." 
                                          Revelation 21:2,3
       Nothing mentioned here about worldly possessions, only God possessing us and we Him. To end I will share a vivid dream I had. In the dream I was dying and I knew it but I was not afraid. So I closed my eyes and felt myself floating upwards with great speed. I came to a very bright place, almost blinding. Then I saw a fire ball as bright as the sun rush at me. When upon me I realized it was a person for they grabbed me, lifted me up and swung me around and hugged me tight. I awoke in the dream to those around me and declared that it was John. The next morning I was at the Sunday meeting and silently asked the Lord if it was true when all of a sudden my eyes fell immediately on this verse...
      "And the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father" Matthew 13:43
    I was stunned and in awe and reverence at His great mercy to me. Oh what treasure we have!! The love of our great Father, His Son and His Holy Spirit......and this treasure lives in us!! Oh, how much richer we are then the wealthiest men on earth!.....
                                   Let go of the "stuff" and hold onto your God.......

Knowing...

         This past weekend the church I am in fellowship with planned a block party. The building is in the inner city and so much goes into planning. Food, activities, music, presentations etc......  Well the promised sunshine did not come and it rained the whole time. I was to do the face-painting (my favorite thing to do...) but as you know, that did not happen. It was not only rainy but very cold. So Sunday a weary group of believers came together to worship and hear the Word of the Lord. As they asked different ones to come up and share testimonies, one spoke very clearly to my heart. He shared that of course there was disappointment about the weather yet the Lord may have wanted us to learn something. Because of the storm there were rough moments with an occasional impatient reaction or a job that may have been easy becoming a chore and hard jobs becoming unbearable. We were cold and wet and trying to remain positive. The scripture he read was....
                 "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.."   James 1:2,3
         The bible I carry was my husbands and he had underlined the word, knowing. It jumped out at me....how important is the "knowing" in a trial. What keeps us going when things don't work out as planned or desired. I can say that the "knowing" is what has kept me going. Knowing the Lord loves me, knowing that He has plans beyond what I can see, knowing that He desires to make me like Christ, knowing He will never leave me or forsake me, knowing that there is so much more to life than the moment, knowing.........
         What will make us endure is not a trouble free life but one that is grounded in faith, in knowing our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ intimately and thus being at peace in the midst of the storms. My husband was wise to underline that word.....I can say that he understood its importance. Very little really riled my husband to a frazzle, he remained constant and sure of His Lord's love even in the hardest trials we faced. And now I feel the same assurance.........even as I face my widowhood, I know my Redeemer lives and that He lives to bring me to Himself through all circumstances and trials. Knowing brings patience and patience brings perfection, a Christlike nature and I believe that is His first objective...
       I am rest in His arms knowing.......................
     

Play On

      While I sit here alone I have been feeling the loneliness.....but I also have been meditating and praying about some things I need to make decisions about. I pray about everything. I cannot think about my life apart from what the Lord's will is for me. I have been promised that if I seek Him I will find Him. (Deut. 4:29) Also if I trust in Him and lean not on my understanding, and in ALL my ways acknowledge Him He will direct my paths. (Prov. 3:5,6) So I believe this to be true and seek Him daily for my life. I am tempted by my grief to sit alone and just do nothing but sit.....I sit in my rocker and rock and rock....but...... there is inside me a song rising.....one that I heard the day I gave my life to the Lord. It has never left....it might have gotten quieted by hardship and trial but it is always there. I hear it in the night, I hear it when I am in prayer, I hear it in the silence of aloneness. It is I believe part of a symphony and I am one instrument among many. I do not want the pain to silence my song, and I don't think it will. I see the Lord like a conductor holding His baton, tapping it on the music stand and  lifting it up as all the instruments gather their attention to Him. He is ready for us to play as one.....this is our time to rise up and make the music of the Kingdom of God.
          This world is playing another song, one that is not melodious, it is chaotic and full of fear and it is driving men mad. You see the confusion, and the disharmony bringing no peace, no hope. Yet in the midst of all this darkness, I still hear the song. It is the song of the redeemed.....singing to the Lamb of God.
          No matter where I find myself I know I am not of this world. I am an ambassador of another kingdom. I am here to play His song, and be His instrument. And by His Spirit I get tuned and ready to respond to the conductor of my life. I found a card recently that was from my sister Ann Hebert who went home to be with the Lord a year before John. I think the Lord let me find it, and within it was a message to me and I believe it is for you as well......

        " There are things only you can do, and you are alive to do them. In the great orchestra we call life,

     you have an instrument and a song, and you owe it to God to play them both sublimely.

                                                                                                     

   Within the card it said only two words,   ...........PLAY ON............love, Ann

As I read the card, the words rang as a command for me to not sit alone and let life pass me by but to rise again take up my instrument and song and not to let anything stop me.  I have a song......His name is

                     JESUS.                 

The Valley of Achor

     It has been awhile since I have written....a lot has happened since then. I have given my notice to my current employer and have a new one waiting. I have prayed for this and the Lord has answered. Thank you Lord!
     But during this wait and still now I am having a difficult time....
      I shed a lot of tears, and the ache of my heart can be felt physically at times...I am getting my house ready to sell, I have lived here almost 20 years. My husband & I and the kids made many memories here. And of course before that as well. So as I start going through things I have to stop because of the emotions that overwhelm me.
        I have difficulty with some of the teaching that goes forth from the church here in America. So much about trouble free living with no pain or suffering.......do this or that and you will always get this......all about promises of no difficulties....
      Well I would like to share one promise I know......"In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."(John 16:33) We stress the overcome part but forget to take in the whole statement....."in this world you will have tribulation...."  When I read my bible I see many brothers and sisters that have gone ahead of us, suffering.....Paul listed quite a few in 2 Corinthians 11, he was whipped, stoned, shipwrecked, in many perils, weariness, toil, sleeplessness, hunger, thirst, cold and nakedness. All this coming from the Apostle of faith. I have not experienced near all of these troubles....but I know some suffering and it is when I read about his suffering or our other brethren going through tribulation that I find comfort. You are thinking maybe, "How do you find comfort in that?" It is because I know I am not alone in it. That you can be a follower of Christ, know hardship and still be in His hands. There is a purpose of God that goes beyond this world, one we cannot see except a glimpse......to be made in the image of Jesus Christ. One of my constant prayers is, "Lord let me know you, be like you, for it is You I worship." Well it is hard to really know someone without intimacy, without deep fellowship.
   "That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings...."(Phil. 3:10) The other day as I wept, I ached for John. I know where he is and I would not want to take him from there but the pain of my separation from him is beyond words at times. I could say to the Lord that I understood why He cried on the cross, "Father why hast thou forsaken me"....because of the pain of separation from the One He was was in such union with. John & I were one, we enjoyed each others companionship and loved each other deeply, so the pain of separation is felt profoundly. I feel the Lord's heart more, His desire to be one with us, to share such communion and intimacy.
       So...................I do not find comfort in "victory" messages of promises of pain free lives. I have found the greatest comfort in the Lord's Presence while in the valley of Achor (trouble). Here is a portion of scripture that the Lord has made my own....
      "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak to her heart there, and the valley Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up from the land of Egypt. "And it shall be, in that day," says the Lord, that you will call Me, My Husband, and no longer call Me My Master"  (Hosea 2:14-16)
       I have found great comfort in these words.....they speak volumes to me. My Lord knows me and He is leading me through this valley......He is speaking to my heart in ways I would not grasp if I was not here. If you are suffering, let Him lead you, and conform you to His image. In that place you will experience His Presence like never before, in death comes life.....His life..... before we know it, we will be with Him and then there will be no more pain or tears......................thank you Jesus....

Grain of Wheat

     When I am having a difficult time, like this past week, I have to continue to remind myself of God's purposes for this life. Otherwise I would remain overwhelmed by the circumstances I face. I get together with friends and share what the Lord has spoken to me, really to hear myself say it and get it deeper in my heart. The day John died was a day I, of course, will not forget. After we left the hospital I went straight to my son Jon's house because I could not emotionally go home. (That was where John died) My body was wracked with pain, I was exhausted with shock and grief and could not sleep. So thus began my first 24 hours without John or rest. Some of you may know but for those who don't.....I was extremely ill as a young woman and have worked hard to stay healthy but still have to pace myself. I never thought I would outlive John. I was the one on medicine for the rest of my life, having had diseases which led to surgeries and hospital stays. Now I was facing my life without him and the shock was overwhelmingly exhausting to my body.
          I finally collapsed from the fatigue, sleeping on my son's couch with my daughter sleeping nearby. My son Jon stayed watch over me. I kept waking with a start and Jon would immediately come forward and see if I needed anything. Each time I did wake though, I could hear clearly the voice of the Holy Spirit as if the Lord was sitting and bending over me. I kept hearing the same word each time I woke and each night for the next few weeks.
         "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies it abides alone. But if it dies it brings forth much fruit." John 12:24
      
         I would barely be up when I heard this over and over. God's word is powerful....I have made it my study since I was a young girl. I have memorized many scriptures because it gives me hope and revives my spirit and most of all because I believe it. It is truth........
        So each time I heard it, I would cling to it's truth. Would I dare to believe that fruit would come from John's departure? Would I believe that death brings forth life? The Word says so.....so I believe.
       So many lives were touched by my husband's, and since his passing I have heard so many testimonies that have attested to the truth of God's Word. One of John & my constant prayer requests was for fruit. We wanted to be fruitful for the kingdom. In the world today so many want to be "successful" by the world's standards, rich, famous, accomplished and recognized. John never sought these things, in fact he always shunned attention. He constantly laid his life down for me, the kids, family and the church. For six hours I sat and greeted folks at the wake who said over and over, "I've never met anyone like him". I got to see some give their lives to Christ because of his testimony and others come back to the Lord because his parting was a wake up call for them.
        I am still in much pain but I cling to the truth of God's Word that as fire purifies gold, testing builds our faith, trials bring forth character, the cross brings a crown, and death brings forth life. If I keep myself planted in Jesus Christ then I will see all these things and more......
        This is the scripture I put on my husband's stone.....may you experience all the Lord has for you....

"Most assuredly,I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, 

it remains alone; but if it dies it produces much fruit.

He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. 

If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor."      John 12:24-26

The Kiss of God

        It has been a hard winter for me.....I know it wasn't longer in time but it certainly felt veeerrry long. I've never cried over snow before....I always told people, "If you live in New England expect snow....otherwise you will have to move south." I can say when spring comes and I hear the birds singing, I want to be outdoors in the sun and fresh air. I've had to make some hard decisions during this cold time and if it wasn't for the Lord going through it with me, I would of despaired. I still cry most days, I hold my husbands picture and touch the image, hoping to feel his face. It is a lonely time, after being married for 30 years and being best friends for 34. We met in 1976 and became fast friends.....we loved many of the same things, music and singing, the outdoors and most of all the Lord. We loved to worship Him together and it was the most intimate thing we could share. In a world which holds physical love as the key to happiness this may sound very odd. Yet our Lord Jesus, the King of kings and the Lord of lords wants an intimate relationship with us. After our engagement, John told me we were a triangle with God, as we drew closer to Him we would automatically draw closer to each other. He was right! So without John here, I feel the void.
             This morning during fellowship we were encouraged to truly worship, to let go of our burdens, and lift our hands to the One who loves us. When I worship I close my eyes, and I focus on the Lord Jesus. I sing with my whole heart and I do not hold back. As I did this morning I saw a throne and He who sat on it rose up and lifted me up and kissed my cheek and forehead. I held my breath and received His love. Oh how He loves us!! It is His love alone that keeps me going.....whether He shows me in worship or through my church family or kids....I am in awe and will always remain in awe......   Is it because I earned it? Never! It is because He IS love.....If you are hurting, He sees, He hears, He knows............you will never know any love as intimate as His.....let Him kiss you today....................

Luxurious Love

         I went over some friends house last night and as we were fellowshipping I shared something that I haven't shared with all of you yet. It stirred in me again this morning during worship, and I responded with the usual tears flowing down. Sometimes I know others are thinking that I am crying over my loss or my burdens without John, but this time as many other times in my life I was weeping because of the Lord's love for me. Yesterday at the end of my time alone with God I knelt before Him and lifted all my burdens to Him and felt His comfort and strength. His concern and care are the one thing that keep me going, without it I would be overcome with grief. So for now let me convey my story....
        Some of you know that this past October I went on a cruise. My husband bought it for our 30th anniversary. This was not a little gift, especially since my husband hated cruises and got seasick easily. He did it just for me and he got our good friends who celebrated their 30th to join us in the venture. Well since my husband went home last July, I had to decide if I would go or cancel. I knew if I cancelled, our friends would probably do the same. My husband worked hard to plan the whole event so I decided to go and bring my good friend Joann as my partner. While on the ship I was so overcome with grief that the chapel became my place of privacy and weeping often. I did not want my friends to feel sorry and take away their fun and enjoyment so this became a frequent place to hide. My husband picked this week because both our birthdays fell in it so this became very hard to take as well. We met a young Philipino girl who worked on the ship and became very friendly with her. Everyday we would stop to visit with her when we went to the buffet on the top deck and her smile and sweetness was comforting. Apparently Joann had shared with her my story and she was moved. On Thursday which was my birthday we did not go to the buffet, my friends took me to the fanciest restaurant on board and went all out to lift my spirits with a wonderful gourmet meal with presents and cake. The next evening which was our last night on board, we went to the buffet as usual and there was our young friend looking very anxious to see us. I went to sit down at a table and all of a sudden she was  standing over me with a rose, and she began to speak........"Miss Celeste, I want you to know that I looked for you yesterday, I wanted to give you this for your birthday. I feel you, I really feel you. (She was crying at this point..) I don't have much to give but I will give you what I can....."  Then right there in the Cafe in front of a crowd of people she began to sing the song of the Lord, yes she sang...... about His plan for me, how He created me and was pleased with me and most of all about His great love for me.....I began to weep, my friends were all weeping, then she embraced me like Jesus would embrace me. I will never forget that moment. In this luxurious floating hotel that had every comfort a man could want I could not find solace for my aching heart. I had spent the whole week in so much pain I did not care about these luxuries. But right in the midst of all this, I found nothing more luxurious as my God's love for me. It was as though Jesus and I were the only ones in the room. How overwhelmingly beautiful and lifting this was to my spirit. I will always remember that He did this for me, yes for me! As I relay this to you, I am in awe again and want you to know that there is nothing in this life as rich as God's love for you........even in the midst of your greatest pain you will find it pouring out......I have..........My Lord's luxurious, unending love.........
                                             I love You my Lord Jesus Christ!

Change

      Well I just got back from Florida....after this long winter of snow and ice, the warm sun and swimming pool were refreshing. It felt good to stay outdoors.....what a nice change......
      When I got back the cold air hit my body with the reminder that our winter weather is not over and I would have to endure it for a while yet. Thank the Lord for seasons.....this is not the never ending "always winter but never Christmas" of Narnia. We enjoy all four seasons in New Hampshire, never stays the same....as I've heard it often said...."well if you don't like the weather just wait 5 minutes.."
     We had our home meeting last night and during our time of worship one of my friends, through tears, said, "Thank you Lord, in this ever changing world, You NEVER change." I immediately felt overcome with gratefulness to the Lord. I have experienced such change in my life.....the most dramatic change in years. My beloved husband went home suddenly to the Lord and I was left without him. For over 30 years we did everything together, worked and served and lived side by side. I found great comfort in being Mrs. John Fortin. Now I am alone.........yet here we were in worship and I was reminded again that my God does not change, does not have to change, will NEVER change. What a comfort and a relief in a world of constant storms and seasons this knowledge is. How easy it is to focus on the seasons and lose perspective of real life. Jesus Christ is our life and He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:8) One of my favorite things to say to young people is, "Jesus is the North in the compass. Everything in life comes to its right place when we focus the compass of our lives on Him, for He is true North."
      Though my husband is not physically here with me, he lived before me constantly as one who was settled in Christ in a world of constant change. Thank the Lord his lesson to me has not been lost.......
 
      Let Jesus be your Rock, your Guide, your Anchor, your Peace in this ever changing world..............He will not change.......He doesn't have to......we do.....
    
    

Gust of Wind

     Today I had the pleasure to fellowship with three believers who have a great love for the Lord. As we shared, we  could see how He is directing us to live set apart from the ways of this world and abide in Him. Though we have received righteousness from faith, sanctification is a deeper path. While cleaning out my basement of clutter to get it ready eventually for sale, I came across some of my husband's journals. I spent time reading them this week and would like to share a few of his thoughts with you....
      "the depth of Christ-like character in a Christian will most assuredly affect the world. The deeper the depth, the more profound will be the affect."
      "living for self will waste your life away..........what is life's purpose? what are you doing with your life?....self will forever stop and hinder you in your pursuit of God.....self takes your eyes off Jesus. When self goes, just think of what's ahead! Wait and be patient...trust in Him......Your life is but a vapor. IT'S SO SHORT.....How will you spend it? Our days on the earth are as a gust of wind. But what an important gust. The direction in which it blows will determine your destiny."
      As I read these words , (which my husband wrote in his 20's) I saw how his life reflected these thoughts. He lived each day putting self aside and sought to have that deeper Christ-like character. I have seen and heard the ripple affects of his life from so many people I have lost count. And I can testify that as his wife of 30 years I had the privilege of having it demonstrated to me daily. What a gift! What a life! ....when we don't live for ourselves! We are eternal beings, with eternal purposes.....it is not about us. My prayer, my heartfelt intercession is to be focused on Christ and not on me, to be changed, to live set apart for the master's use, to know that I am not my own, I have been bought with a price, with the blood of Jesus Christ and I am His. It is late, but I have been stirred again by my beloved John to worship my Beloved Lord....

God is Never Surprised

       Today I spent the afternoon after work at a friend's, first a make-up party, then an episode of "I Love Lucy"(tee-hee), a game of "Shutes & Ladders" with her daughter.... then supper, then one on one fellowship. What a fun time and fulfilling one as well. During our fellowship time we discussed and shared the things God was putting on our hearts. I shared one truth that keeps coming to me and keeps me going.... God is never surprised. 
       No matter how surprised we are, no matter how shocked or shaken, He is not. If I didn't believe this, I would be unable to function or face life as it is for me right now. The night John went to be with the Lord, I felt this. I was shaken, I was in great pain and grief but I knew where John was (and is...), I knew the Lord was welcoming him home. As I finally collapsed in fatigue the next day I would wake every hour and the stabbing pain would hit me, John is not here anymore....but at the same time within seconds the Holy Spirit spoke the Word to me...., "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it abides alone, but if it dies it brings forth much fruit." John 12:24......I would hear it again and again for weeks on end each time I would wake up in the night, it was as clear as a bell. This spoke volumes to me.....He is aware of everything, He knows everything, He is God.  What happened  has brought me to a place of opportunity. Will I choose to grow in faith or fear. Is it easy to go through? No! But He is with me every step of the way. Sometimes He has to carry me. I will choose to follow and trust Jesus Christ no matter what. Am I challenged? Yes! Am I perfected in this? No! But I am learning daily........ This truth, this love, this Lord......will keep me going......  
        

Love Letter

While getting together documents for my accountant for tax purposes, I was digging through my desk and found an envelope put safely away. It was a love letter and poem my husband wrote me. He wrote it while stuck in an airport for 6 hours. I gently opened it and knew I would probably weep for a time... I did. It is amazing how a love born in God can make you feel. John made me feel like I was the best thing to happen to him outside of Jesus....  I let a few friends read it and they cried too. So many have never experienced this...even married for many years. When a man loves God more than he loves you, he will always treat you right. He will always put you first. John used to counsel men who liked the scripture about the wife submitting to the husband and challenge them, "well if you want to have that then you must do your part, love your wife as Christ loved the church, remember Christ laid down his life for the church. So are you ready to die for her?" I would sit there so humbled by such a loving husband. I told a young lady today that we would try to outdo each other but John always won. He always thought about his life in terms of eternity and what is real worth. Some think worth comes from money or power or worldly accomplishments. John knew that a man's worth came from Christ and Christ alone and his true accomplishment would be to lay his life down for others. I miss him terribly, I miss that special way he made me feel when I was around him. When I get overwhelmed in grief I hear a voice say, "Rejoice, you have had a love of loves, be grateful, be thankful and live in that love, share that love." I hope and pray that I can make others feel the way my husband made me feel....loved and precious to God.....it is the least that I should by grace do......
    Thank you, thank you Jesus!

Are we alone?

        Today I was helping a friend through a tough time...as she relayed her loneliness I ached inside at my own. I cannot remain there though...I say often, "I am not alone," because I know it to be true and know that I have an enemy of my soul who wants me to be full of self pity and bitterness. I refuse to stay there....what right do I have to remain there...everything I have been given past and present is a gift, not owed to me, not a right, but truly a gift. The creator sought me out and gave me purpose and it is not to stay self absorbed in my misery. Do I ache and weep? Yes of course! Everyday I wake up and look at my half empty bed and room and it hits me, John is not here anymore...the love of my earthly life. Every time I see an old loving couple, I think, well that isn't me anymore...I am a widow......but......(an important word....) something deep within me reaches out to my Lord, a deep love and hope that is born out of my suffering. Am I not facing reality??? What is reality?.. Most people say it is what is around them, what they see and hear and feel. That....is not reality. There is a heavenly kingdom which is not of this earth and it is truer than anything here. It lifts me to a plane of peace and joy beyond my circumstances, to a higher place with a greater view. This view shows me  my King and the opportunity given me to be a light, a comfort, a witness. There is still a world out there that needs to know the love of Jesus Christ. Who better to share than those who know it firsthand....."out of the depths you lifted me..."
 He is my life .........and all I know is... He loves you & me with an eternal love.When I am lonely then I need to reach out to those around me, love on them with this love. I feel a deep contentment when I do this. I am going now to prepare dinner tonight for friends........I am excited....I will not be alone.....I know I am never alone.........

Climbing higher...

Today during the morning service I had a vision while worshiping..... I was standing on a high mountain above clouds and the view beyond was amazing......then the Lord spoke to my heart ....it takes faith and trust to climb a mountain...one has to believe it will hold them up and that the view must be spectacular. I don't think we would want to climb a mountain with no view to reward the effort. Trust keeps us climbing and believing even if the path is difficult. I remember climbing on my hands and knees once because the wind was so strong it could blow us over if we stood up. Once on top the views are so revealing....the Lord was wooing me to a place I could see so much more than what I saw in the valley of weeping. I was reminded in the message afterwards of Elisha & Gehazi in the Old Testament being surrounded by the enemy and how Gehazi was panicking but Elisha was not. So Elisha prayed that Gehazi eyes would be opened to see what he could see....and it happened. Gehazi could see an army of angels surrounding them....
         I get overwhelmed when I can't see, when I feel surrounded by burdens like grief, loneliness, the cares for my house, bills, snowstorms, work....etc..    I have to leave the valley by prayer, worship, reading the Word and meditating in quiet..... then all of a sudden I am above it looking down and seeing it from God's perspective....what a view! I am lifted up and sigh at such beauty, His love & grace to me are majestic like the view from a great mountain. I wrote this poem after just such a "climb". I hope it will encourage you to leave your valley and take in Jesus.....
                          "When I am in the valley
                           I can't see where paths may lead
                           Surrounded by a forest
                           a clear view is what I need
                           I look up and see a mountain
                           a hill above the trees
                           I walk in that direction
                           climbing with the breeze
                           when I finally reach the top
                           the pain is felt so keen
                           Yet when I look about
                           what wonders to be seen
                          I stand and catch my breath
                          I gasp, I gape, I sigh
                          to think what I would miss
                          If I had passed it by
                          the many paths and trails
                         you can see for miles around
                         you know now where they're going
                          and at the end what may be found
                          I feel a story here
                          One that I must tell
                         when you are in confusion
                         and cannot see so well
                        Hear the Savior calling
                        come to His mountain top
                        cease from all your struggling
                        cause your mind to stop
                        raise your hands in worship
                        lay your burdens at His feet
                       get still before His Presence
                       till you feel His soft heartbeat
                       your eyes will then be opened
                       His truth will come in view
                       in wisdom you will know
                       which path He's leading to
                       so come now from you valley
                       to the mountain of the Lord
                       He'll show you where your path is
                       but will show you so much more
                       as you gaze into His splendor
                       You'll gasp and gape and sigh
                       just think what would be missed
                       if you had passed Him by.....   C Fortin


                   


                                        

God hears....

        Today was my day off....I slept in, had time with the Lord and went to lunch with friends. During my time with the Lord, I am reading Elizabeth Elliot's book, "A Path Through Suffering". It is laden with stories and truths that challenge me in the midst of my grief and remind me I am not alone in it. One of the things that I desire most and have asked the Lord for is to give me glimpses of heaven. John & I were so close that I ache and wonder, does he think of me? Does he miss me? (probably not since he is with Jesus)....but more than that is the desire to be with him when I get there...to share heaven with him. I miss him so much, we shared over 30 wonderful years together, we went through very happy times and difficult times and weathered them always together.....so again this morning I asked the Lord to please let me see into heaven....well later in the day I ran into a brother who lost a loved one and he directed me to a book about a 4 year old's journey to heaven. I immediately bought the book at Walmart and have sat reading the rest of the day....just to get a glimpse... Why?...... because someone I love is there.....
        One day as I gazed out the window sighing the Lord told me... John is not dead. Do not say he is dead for he is not. Then this scripture rose inside me... "I am the resurrection and the life....he who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25,26. He was asking if I believed this...if I do then I must believe that heaven is a real place, not a far away dream but very real....
         Again, I remember a card I got with a Thomas Kincaid painting of  stone steps leading to a beautiful garden....all of a sudden in my heart I could see John at the top of the steps waiting to lead me to Jesus... .....despite the great loneliness I feel, and I feel it deeply, I know that heaven is real, I choose to believe even though I don't see just yet but sometimes the Lord does allow me to get glimpses.......

Sunny Day

Today I felt very tired when I awoke and it would of been tempting to remain in bed but the desire to not be alone and to worship with others prevailed. Again I felt His Presence engulf me and touch me and afterwards a young man shared a message on family, the family of God. His desire for us to be one....how we are a body and each part cannot do without the other. As I sat there I remembered how I would sit alone and cry till a young lady came and invited me to sit with her family and since then I sit with them... Yes when we open ourselves to relationship we sometimes get hurt but if we insulate ourselves from it we will eventually isolate ourselves. Yesterday was hard, I sat alone in my house for hours watching the falling snow, but today I go to a couple's home for a "Super Bowl" party and the excitement of not being alone makes me smile. People will disappoint us, that is inevitable but today we need to choose to love, to reach out, to carry the love of the Saviour Jesus Christ, to be humbled, broken, taught, changed into His likeness and that can only happen in a relationship....with Him and with others.......thank you Joshua for sharing your heart......and Olivia for dancing for Jesus and for us, and Melody for not leaving me alone to cry.......

Storms Do End...

well....I was looking outside at the storm and thinking it would not end but it did....and I gave a sigh of relief...storms come and when you are in the midst of it...it feels like it will never end....but it does....I am in a storm of grief.....dark clouds looming.....if I didn't believe that it would calm down and the sun come out again I would be in despair but I don't believe that..... I believe in God's promises, everyday I remind myself what they are and something like the sun coming out of dark clouds arises in my heart. I may still cry the tears of loneliness and longing for my John, but they are not the tears of hopelessness.....I may feel pain but it will come to an end....He has promised to wipe away all our tears.....

It is Time...

This has been on my heart since after the holidays.....during a time of prayer I saw this blog idea and the title. I felt it was from the Lord and since we don't write on parchment anymore or use "snail mail" as much...how would I write my thoughts down quickly when I think them...and share what I feel I am being taught at a a timely manner...so here we are......